Do you remember that hypothetical, fear driven scenario I told you earlier today, concerning my exam? Yes. Well, it isn't that far from the truth. A sad, sad fact that still torments me now.
The day started out bad enough. In fact, it goes further back then that, but that's a different story all together. Anyway, I got out of bed, and knew things were bad. It's one of those creepy instincts that shadows your heart and clenches tight when you wake up.
I crammed, and crammed, and crammed all morning for the damn exam. My mind tormented me the whole time, "Ha ha ha ha, you know nothing about SEN, or assessments, or IQ tests, or pain, or perceptions of health, or ANYTHING! Mwhahaha ... " This depressing realisation was doing nothing for my self-esteem, so I stopped cramming and started crying.
Once I had pulled myself together, I realised that it was time to leave. I left, feeling slightly more cheerful as I figured that the exam would be over in less than three hours. I would be free. And then panic returned. Especially when I forgot what side of the road that we drive on in England.
I freaked. My mind laughed cruelly, "How are you going to pass this exam if you can't even remember what side of the road you drive on, and that's something you should have learned after almost nineteen years!" I had to agree with my mind. It was worrying that I couldn't remember something I should have known for eighteen years, especially since I had been revising for this exam a little over a week.
I quickly deduced that we drive on the left side of the road, and confidence fill me. If I could figure that out, I could figure anything out. I was feeling on top of the world, until I stumbled and quickly looked around to see if anyone had seen me.
It's horrible, walking to an exam. You feel trapped, you feel stuck, you feel stupid. You know you have to go and sit it, you know you have two hours ahead of you, but at the same time you can't wait for that time to come, so you can get over your fear and apprehension. A sickening calm fell over me, as I walked past a group of teens that looked like they'd skipped out on school.
"Hey," one of the chav girls said in a squeaky voice (it wasn't squeaky, but she doesn't deserve my kind words). "Are we going yet? My arms are starting to hurt."
It was then that I noticed she was holding a coat over her head. It was drizzling, and she clearly didn't want to get her hair extensions wet. I could forgive her for that. She had some sense of self-worth.
As I hurried past, I heard one of the guys with her say, "Go over there then." He was dismissing her. She didn't get this, and replied with, "Cocky, aren't you?"
No, I thought to myself, he's not. He's just pointing out the obvious. If you went and stood over there, you'd be dry, and you could put your arms down, hence lengthening the amount of time you spend standing outside.
With all these clever deductions, I was sure that I was going to ace the test. I mean, I had figured out what side of the road that Brits drive on AND figured out that the girl was stupid. I could take on anything.
Apparently not.
I went into the exam, couldn't figure out how to fill in the front of the exam paper (which was foreboding enough) and was panicked by the sheer number of people in the room who were all cleverer than me (they'd figured out how to fill in the front of the exam paper). The woman with the microphone announced it was time to start when I was finishing off putting my name in the box. Damn.
When I opened the question paper I knew it was all over. There were three questions, and to the best of my memory, they said this:
- Blah, blah, blah ... Social Cognitive models ... blah, blah, blah ... evaluate ... blah, blah
- Stress Intervention ... blah, blah ... Academic evidence and support ...
- Motivational Interviewing ... blah ... outline ... blah, blah, blah ... evaluate
There should have been a fourth question, designed for me.
4. Did you take our advice, Kirsty, and read around the topic throughout the year?
I would have gotten 100% if that had come up. Looking up bleary eyed, I saw that many people had started writing and were already half way down the first page of their answer booklet. I was doomed. This was it. Apathy kicked in. I was going under.
I had more luck on the Educational side of the exam. Not enough to save my sorry ass, but enough that I didn't feel completely stupid, even though I clearly was. I looked up at one point to see a girl asking for another sheet of paper. I was confused. I checked the front of my booklet to see how many pages there were in the answer booklet.
There were 16 pages ...
How on Earth did she use all sixteen? She must have had GIANT handwriting that took up all the lines. I also recognised the girl as being one of the annoying ones who had been stalking me since January. By stalking, I mean sitting in front, or behind, me in lectures and TALKING THE WHOLE WAY THROUGH. I was amazed. How did she manage to write <16 pages when she never even listened in the lectures? I needed to talk to her and find out how she did it.
The rest of the exam was a blur of me writing some stuff, pausing, staring around at other people, thinking about Pirates of the Caribbean (don't know why, so don't ask) and then scribbling some more. There must have been something wrong with me, because after an hour all the people sitting near me starting leaving the exam.
I personally think it was because they felt threatened by my awesomeness, and knew that their exams would never live up to the awesome I was writing.
Okay, maybe not. But a girl can dream, right?
Ah, I'm gonna have to sit tight and wait it out then.
HERE'S TO HOPING I SCRAPED A PASS!
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